How do you tell your best friend he or she really doesn’t sing that well, despite whatever strong beliefs he or she may have to the contrary? How do you tell your wife, husband, or partner that while you definitely appreciated the thought and the effort, he or she should take more care to put two cups of sugar, not salt, into the cookie batter next time? How do you tell the people in your home country they need to extract their heads from their collective asses and get their shit together? I’ll be honest on the first two: hell if I know. The last one, however, is a much easier conversation to provoke. Simply remind America using cold, hard facts that this self-perpetuating mythos that its the greatest thing to ever happen to humanity amounts to little more than a national circle-jerk. Actually, it’s even worse than that: we’re talking about a massive sausage party consisting of old, balding, obese men who’ve long since passed their primes repeatedly telling each other they’re still God’s gift to women and, since it’s so often repeated, actually believe it. That’s really sad, folks.
I grew up in a cedar thicket. Apparently, that’s hilarious–or maybe it’s just hilarious when I say it. IDK. I guess you’ll just have to ask David and Colleen to be sure. (Inside jokes, FTW.) But, yes, it’s true. I did grow up in a cedar thicket, or something like that. In any case, there were a lot of cedar trees around. OH MY GOD I AM TALKING SO MUCH ABOUT CEDAR TREES. Moving on now, all that to point out that I don’t have any allergies. Cedar trees are notoriously profligate in their shedding of pollen and if I can survive being hemmed in by a Hell’s Horde of them, then, well, I’m fairly confident I can inhale just about any form of pollen imaginable and not degenerate into an inflamed sinus. +15 Bad-ass Points. Every Spring, whenever I hear someone talk about how terrible their allergies are, I’m secretly elated that I managed to escape that common misfortune (knock on wood). Continue reading
It doesn’t take too many years of living on Earth for a person to learn how wildly unpredictable it can be. Aside from all the quirky things the planet does, like earthquakes and hurricanes and tornadoes and sink holes and such, there’s humanity to deal with. Homo sapiens are peculiar creatures. We treat the earth of which we are made as a consumable resource that exists simply for that purpose. We race to toxify the only planet we yet know of that can sustain us. We take up arms when we can’t solve our disputes like the civilized, advanced, and rational beings we like to consider ourselves to be. We plant bombs in airplanes, subways, parked cars, schoolrooms, and marathon finish lines and kill scores of randomly unfortunate people because someone offended our religion, or killed our dads, or maybe just because our lives suck. Everyone seems to have their own “reason” for doing shitty things to other people. There is so much beauty to be seen in the face of humanity, yet so much grotesque ugliness to behold as well. Continue reading